My spirits are so very heavy. I try to summon the energy to blog. To do chores, to change diapers, to give baths, to make meals.
But it's not there.
I lay on my side of the bed each morning and think how another day has gone.
Levi knows something is up. He follows Michael around like a puppy and cries by the door when he leaves. He wakes up screaming at night and wants nothing to do with me. (We're thinking night terrors.) He just wants his daddy.
I'm anxious to return to Wisconsin. To the hustle and bustle of a busy life. To distractions. I have all this pent up ambition pulsing through my veins and it needs to be executed. I know who I want to be and I can't be her here. But in the midst of my day dreams I remember Michael won't be there, and every day brings us closer to a goodbye. It's a giant flashing light. panic. Panic. PANIC.
I hate feeling like a baby about this. The people I admire most are strong in the face of adversity. They have such grace and courage.
I want to, too.
But it's not there.
I lay on my side of the bed each morning and think how another day has gone.
Levi knows something is up. He follows Michael around like a puppy and cries by the door when he leaves. He wakes up screaming at night and wants nothing to do with me. (We're thinking night terrors.) He just wants his daddy.
I'm anxious to return to Wisconsin. To the hustle and bustle of a busy life. To distractions. I have all this pent up ambition pulsing through my veins and it needs to be executed. I know who I want to be and I can't be her here. But in the midst of my day dreams I remember Michael won't be there, and every day brings us closer to a goodbye. It's a giant flashing light. panic. Panic. PANIC.
I hate feeling like a baby about this. The people I admire most are strong in the face of adversity. They have such grace and courage.
I want to, too.
13 comments:
Sounds a lot like my days lately. I'll be praying for you friend.
I've been having those days too for different reasons. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
My heart is aching for you, friend. Your last sentence tells me that you have hope. Remember what God said through Jeremiah: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Also remember, my friend, that is when we are weak that He is strong and it's when we're at our most helpless that His strength is revealed in our lives.
I don't know why hard things happen, to you, to me, to anybody. I know that God allows them because through the hard times we grow closer to Him and He strengthens our faith. Sometimes it may seem like He is miles away...but I know that it's in the hardest times when He's nearest.
Also, I found this incredibly encouraging today, and I hope you will also:
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/08/when-perfectionism-and-to-do-lists-are-overwhelming/
Hey, girl. Posts like this make me sad. I'm sorry you are feeling so emptied out and down. If you ever need someone to vent to in private without judgment, I'm here. labarndt@gmail.com
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I hope you're ok. :(
I hope things get happier for you soon.
this post makes my heart hurt for you...I am so sorry
Will be praying for you
This resonates with my heart, because the hurt is all too real. I trust the hope of the better days ahead keeps you going!
Some day you will look back at this valley that you are going through, and God will use you to be an encouragement to someone else who has to go through it. You will come out the other side of this trial a stronger person and more like Christ then you were before.
I look forward to having you and Levi in my arms again. We will get through this together!!
XO
This breaks my heart. I can totally relate to laying in bed and thinking "oh no, it's a day closer!" And I can't imagine how it must be as a mama. I'm saying a prayer for all three of you today. God tells us that His strength is made perfect in our weakness-- can't wait to see Him prove it to you!
I am so sad that Michael has to leave his family. I can't imagine how much he will miss the two of you. You ARE strong when you lean on Him. We will be here for you dear daughter-in-law. I want our son to know that he can count on us for anything. Chin up. God has plans for each of you... Love you all loads, and pray for you daily.
Just when I start whining about my life is when I need to remember that people have it a lot harder than I do. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like if my fiance were not here. Not just to help with the baby or chores but just to be here with us. Know that your husband's work is very much appreciated.
Melissa
knit purl baby
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